John Henry, John Henry
John Henry is a mighty man.
Born with a hammer, born with a hammer
Born with a hammer right in his hand.
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Can you even imagine being the poor alien sod responsible for auditing an earthling spaceship’s spending allowance? Like:
“I see, and why do you require many tubes of white plant flavoured paste?”
“Oh well, if we don’t rub that on our teeth twice daily the bacteria living in my mouth will begin to devour me teeth.”
“…Noted.”
“I have also noticed several large shipments of specific medications, and a variety of individually packaged absorbent material - however injury records do not show sufficient numbers to justify these recurrent deliveries.”
“Ah, yeah, it’s not really an injury per say. As part of our natural reproductive cycle approximately half the population will shed the lining of one of their internal organs and expel it.”
“…that is the most horrifying thing that I have ever heard.”
“Yeah.”
“Does such a process not hurt?”
“That’l be what the medication’s for. Pain killers for the cramps, birth control to stop the process.”
“…and your reasoning behind the fully functional, high-tech entertainment system?”
“Okay, that we could probably do without. But in our defence that was actually insisted on as a standard feature of all fleet-ships expected to encounter Terrans. Admiral Plo’Kaght insisted on it. Something about bored humans and a an illegal betting ring featuring a cleaning robot with a knife strapped to it going up against a human with a mop?”
“…I believe I should speak with my superiors.”
I love how in the Avenger’s movies everyone is all like; ah, Thor our big alien friend who knows not our ways and still believes science to be magic. Better not include him in our trying to locate inter-dimensional portals or examine obviously alien artefacts.
When in reality its more like one of us getting transported back to the medieval ages and a bunch of peasants who haven’t figured out that you need to wash your hands after going to to the loo all standing round laughing ‘cause “this fool knows not how to use a Winnowing Basket.”
The intricate detail of folk dress shall always capture my heart. Those tassels, that embroidery- I can’t stop drawing it.
I agree john mulaney is probably an immortal akin to beings such as keanu reeves and jeff goldblum but he’s like a new born baby immortal who is looking at the long long expanse of a lifetime he has in front of him and is already tired
jeff golblum is thousands of years old and loving it. john mulaney was born in 1901 and ever since 1924 it’s gone downhill for him
So to be clear, the immortal timeline seems to be:
John Mulaney - early 20th century
Eric Andre - Probably 17th century or so.
Taika Waititi - Elizabethan age, probably hung out with Shakespeare
Keanu Reeves - We think sometime around Alexander the Great, but he seems to have just sprung up fully formed.
Jeff Goldblum - 100% Biblical times, may or may not be King Solomon.
Tommy Wiseau - Indeterminate, may be the first Homo Sapiens.
Bold of you to assume Tommy Wiseau is homo sapiens
i found out recently that the very first trees did not rot when they died because the microbes that decompose trees hadnt evolved yet…which makes sense but it’s weird to think about. this actually caused a huge change in the climate at the time and many of these trees turned into coal because of it…
like imagine a tree falling in the forest and the trunk just stays there for years and years with little change, and it only goes away when it is buried under dirt. that’s weird.
obviously they were still working on the worldbuilding back then
imagine all the lag from those trunks laying around. glad they patched those microbes in
So y'all talk about this like it’s a joke, but the exact same time is happening today with plastics, except today’s microbes are a bit quicker on the uptake. They’re still new at it, but Earth’s decomposers are hard at work learning how to eat polyester.
*ancient microbe voice* kids these days have it so easy. mutating to feed on new materials within a century? In my day it took us a millenium at minimum! we had to metabolize uphill in the snow both ways!
*even more ancient microbe voice* pfeh, typical oxygen-breather attitude. you think you had it rough but YOU have those fancy MITOCHONDRIA.
“The perfect video doesn’t exi-”
Credits to Voordeel on YouTube for creating this amazing and perfectly timed video
*S C R E A M I N G*
I’m just convinced that voordeel is a wizard at this point
original vidder links: (voordeel’s youtube link) (voordeel’s tumblr post)
Oh shit they have a tumblr! Go follow!
the UA teachers have mock awards every year and aizawa always wins the “most expelled students” award….. except this year
my favorite part of hannibal season 1 episode 1 was when will graham answered the door in his underwear and expected hannibal not to thirst after him for the rest of his natural life
distresseddeernoise